I’m in a similar situation.

I tell myself I’m acting out of self-preservation, but it’s really just fear. I don’t have the courage to face the shit that happens to out trans people.

I do think that fear is justified given my specific situation, and I do think that if I can somehow manage not to go off the deep end for the next few… years🫠… I have a chance of getting myself into a safer and less scary situation, where I can hopefully start to live as myself.

…except I could be wrong - I could die tomorrow anyway, or the safety I’m seeking could cease to exist soon, or maybe I’ll just never find what I’m looking for unless I ignore my fear and dive headfirst into the unknown.

It’s hard. And I don’t have the answers. Just wanted you to know you’re not alone. (And I felt less alone thanks to your rant, so don’t apologize.)

It’s never too late. You’re very young. Your happiness is worth it. And if you’re waiting for your life to be perfect to transition, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Dysphoria causes distress, and it makes it that much harder to succeed in other areas of your life.

When I was seeking bottom surgery I was gatekept a lot for not having great mental health. Needless to say, bottom dysphoria was a significant contributing factor to my poor mental health. I am healthier than I have ever been post op.

What I’m really trying to say by that is that you deserve to feel joy about your body and your gender presentation. You shouldn’t hold yourself back. Forcing yourself to exist in a body and presentation that causes you distress has a huge impact on your well-being.