That said, my SO is similar to this. We don’t talk as much as we should, but that seems to be because they got into online gaming with their friends and play during the times we would normally hang out. I’m expected to go out of my way to make up for that, but I don’t need as much emotional contact as they do so I don’t. I’m usually just hanging out on the bed on my own, and I put down my phone, game, book, etc the moment they initiate.
This causes some issues occasionally, but I don’t think I’m the cause here. We have kids, and I end up interacting with them more to make more time for them to play (I make breakfast and get them ready for bed).
That said, I’m trying to be more proactive to help them be more fulfilled. I just wonder if anon is in a similar situation.
It’s more the other way around, they want more “us” time, whereas I’m pretty happy with things as they are. We still go on dates and spend time together on weekends, and I’m pretty tired from working, doing dishes, and taking care of the kids on weekdays (my SO doesn’t work, but does take care of the kids while I’m at work).
I think it’s more of, “I want to do X, Y, and Z, but have to pick two.” They’re already not getting enough sleep (I’ve complained multiple times) because they’re overextending to make remote timezones w/ friends work, and if my SO wants to spend time w/ me, they know where to find me, I’m usually reading on the bed or something. In fact, they frequently text me asking for random things (water, food, etc), and I bring it most of the time, and sometimes hang out for a few min after. It works for me, but apparently they’d prefer that I adapt to their schedule and preferences a bit more (i.e. read in the gaming room or whatever), but when I do, I tend to fall asleep on the couch or something, and they complain about that… I’m not interested in the same games my SO is, but I’ll accommodate when there’s a big patch or something so they can have more time to work through it. I play games too, just not the same types.
They used to complain that I’m not showing enough love, and then I explained that me not complaining about them spending so much time with their online friends is showing them love, because it’s one of the few times they get to interact with adults who speak the same native language (I don’t speak it well). That seems to have resolved things for now, but I’m still trying to go out of my way to spend a little more time w/ them so they can feel my love in the way they’d prefer.
The root of the problem is that we have very different schedules. Here’s mine:
6:30-7 - wake up and take care of kid stuff
8:30 - take kids to school and go to work (SO does this if I’m busy w/ work stuff in the morning)
5:30 - get home from work, and do dishes while SO finishes dinner
7-9 - hang out w/ kids, and get them ready for bed
10:30 - sleep
And their schedule:
10-11 - wake up and hang out w/ youngest (that’s when they get home from preschool, we have a neighbor that helps)
3 - pick up kids from school
5-6 - prep dinner
7 - play games w/ friends, watch shows, do hobbies, etc - friends are split between US time zone and E. Asia timezone (6PM there is after midnight here)
2-4am - sleep
We’re both introverts, especially me, and I need time to myself to relax. Being w/ my SO and kids doesn’t exhaust me or anything (much different than friends and coworkers), but it doesn’t really recharge me either. I have about 1-2 hours to myself on any given weeknight, and my SO is usually involved w/ friends by the time I’m available anyway, so I don’t go out of my way to pull them off to hang out together. And they’re not really getting the best of me anyway since I’m tired and honestly probably not that fun to be around anyway.
Maybe.
That said, my SO is similar to this. We don’t talk as much as we should, but that seems to be because they got into online gaming with their friends and play during the times we would normally hang out. I’m expected to go out of my way to make up for that, but I don’t need as much emotional contact as they do so I don’t. I’m usually just hanging out on the bed on my own, and I put down my phone, game, book, etc the moment they initiate.
This causes some issues occasionally, but I don’t think I’m the cause here. We have kids, and I end up interacting with them more to make more time for them to play (I make breakfast and get them ready for bed).
That said, I’m trying to be more proactive to help them be more fulfilled. I just wonder if anon is in a similar situation.
This is just my opinion, but I think you probably should have a talk with your SO and make it clear you would like a little more “us” time.
It’s more the other way around, they want more “us” time, whereas I’m pretty happy with things as they are. We still go on dates and spend time together on weekends, and I’m pretty tired from working, doing dishes, and taking care of the kids on weekdays (my SO doesn’t work, but does take care of the kids while I’m at work).
I think it’s more of, “I want to do X, Y, and Z, but have to pick two.” They’re already not getting enough sleep (I’ve complained multiple times) because they’re overextending to make remote timezones w/ friends work, and if my SO wants to spend time w/ me, they know where to find me, I’m usually reading on the bed or something. In fact, they frequently text me asking for random things (water, food, etc), and I bring it most of the time, and sometimes hang out for a few min after. It works for me, but apparently they’d prefer that I adapt to their schedule and preferences a bit more (i.e. read in the gaming room or whatever), but when I do, I tend to fall asleep on the couch or something, and they complain about that… I’m not interested in the same games my SO is, but I’ll accommodate when there’s a big patch or something so they can have more time to work through it. I play games too, just not the same types.
They used to complain that I’m not showing enough love, and then I explained that me not complaining about them spending so much time with their online friends is showing them love, because it’s one of the few times they get to interact with adults who speak the same native language (I don’t speak it well). That seems to have resolved things for now, but I’m still trying to go out of my way to spend a little more time w/ them so they can feel my love in the way they’d prefer.
The root of the problem is that we have very different schedules. Here’s mine:
And their schedule:
We’re both introverts, especially me, and I need time to myself to relax. Being w/ my SO and kids doesn’t exhaust me or anything (much different than friends and coworkers), but it doesn’t really recharge me either. I have about 1-2 hours to myself on any given weeknight, and my SO is usually involved w/ friends by the time I’m available anyway, so I don’t go out of my way to pull them off to hang out together. And they’re not really getting the best of me anyway since I’m tired and honestly probably not that fun to be around anyway.