It seems like I’m not allowed to exist. If I say something, it means something else. If I have an issue, it’s not because of what I say it is. It’s because of what someone else says it is. If I try their solution and it doesn’t work, it’s because I sabotaged it or am exaggerating. If I try my solution and it starts to work, it gets sabotaged. The only thing I trust is that what appears to be true is false. I even thought of giving an example, but didn’t want to bother and be told how it’s wrong or I’m misrepresenting it. Everything I initiate is ultimately pointless. I have not had one successful project in over 5 years now. I feel so passive in that I only exist to be controlled as a toy for others. It’s like I’m in a experiment: a dog in a cage that continues to get shocked and gives up. I’ve turned off expectations and hope. Those are traps hiding disappointment. Emotions only matter when they help someone live, but it seems predictability only predicts that any agency I have will be removed, so it’s best not to manifest desires. I rather just stay in my room and play Minecraft alone so no one can tell me who I am or what I mean or how I need to be.

I’m wondering if I’m alone in this. Does anyone else feel this way? I’m not saying just with one person. I mean this has been my life for many years now. Is this an autistic thing? An extensive bullying thing? Am I just a miserable person with no solution? If I am in experiment, can someone just tell me? Don’t worry. It’s okay. I already know there is nothing I can do about it. I just want to know because I’m deeply confused to the point of not know what is real or if real even exists.